back to school

It seems to soon to be going back, but here we are again.  Jonas is a third grader and my little Angus is a kindergartner.  That last part is tough to take in.  I didn't expect this day to arrive so soon.  They wore their horizontally, striped polo shirts with their hair combed like little gentlemen and they were off to school yesterday.

The boys are going to different schools, so we couldn't be with both of them.  Miah and I split up.  He and Paloma took Jonas and I took my mango.  I gave Jonas a hug and a kiss before we were off in different directions.  I told him he was going to have great first day and that I'd be there to pick him up.  

***

Angus and I held hands all the way to the school from the far off parking space I could find.  He was getting tired he said, it was hot.  I wanted to pick up my boy and carry him, but I knew that wasn't a good idea for his first day.  And the fact that he is super heavy.

"But, mom, I'm still four," he said, holding up four little left handed fingers.  He walked thoughtfully the entire way.

"Angy, remember, you are five and it's going to be ok.  You are going to have a nice teacher and make lots of friends."  I reassured him, when in reality I needed reassuring. 

It is hard for me to let go.  I am not very good at letting go of these three beautiful children I love everyday of my life.  They are my life and I can't just let that go so smoothly.  It's just not in me.  I wish I can hold them tight at every age and keep them that way.  Year after year.  

We walked into the classroom and found his desk.  He sat there quietly.  We saw a couple of kids from preschool.  His chubby cheeked face looking at me and I wanting to squeeze and kiss it every chance I could get.  I sat with him until the bell rang, while he built a tall tower of small bricks.  I told him to listen to the teacher.  To ask if he needed the bathroom or if he needed help with anything.  

The last bell rang, I gave him a hug, a kiss and walked out trying to be as brave as I could be.  I turned the corner and my eyes welled up.  I cried in the car to Miah over the phone.

I walked away from my baby.  He was on his own, without me to help him for a full day.  Angus is my lazy baby.  I ask him to put on his shoes or his clothes and he acts like I just asked him to pick up the entire house.  "I can't do it," he shouts.  I know he can.  He does, eventually.  So, leaving him was hard because I wasnt going to be there to make things easy for him. What if he needed water or couldn't find a bathroom or got lost.  I spend day after day with them.  I know their strengths and weaknesses.  I know what upsets them and what brings them joy, although they surprise me everyday with new ups and downs.  

All day I felt sad about leaving my mango.  When i picked him up he looked hot, but happy.  He said it was a long day.  He was a little chatter box.  He told me stories about his day, some too wild to be true. Angus has a vivid imagination.  

"I'm glad you had a good day, but I sure did miss you," I said.

"I missed you so much I exploded," he said.  "The kids didn't even notice I was not there.  Then my pieces came back together and I was back.  Nobody knew I was not there."

"Wow, well thanks for missing me that much."

***

Tomorrow will be day three.  I know it will be fine.  He is going to do great, just as my Joni did.  I'm the one who needs to learn to let go.