summer=hot

The hot, horrible days of July are upon us.  We are stuck indoors until the sun reaches the west and then we come out to play.  I'm lying a little.  We do step out during the hottest hours of the day every once in a while because I absolutely go crazy if I have to sit at home every day.  

We swim, we drive to the shop and back, we go to the y,  make stops at stores, but even that gets tiresome, because we are left melted from the heat and the kids get upset for having to leave the air conditioned sanctuary they call home.  

I am so accustomed to this weather, and then I'm so not.  Does that makes sense?  But I won't speak it aloud because then Jeremiah is quick to talk about moving and then our bags are packed and I'm stuck saying, "now, wait, I didn't mean that."  He is so ready to leave.  He can visit any state and say, "lets move here."  I love traveling, but when we talk of moving, it's just so hard to see it happening.  

Family keeps me here.  It's just too hard to leave my kin behind.  I know that we can plan visits if we move.  We've talked about it.  We've figured that my parents can visit once a month, if we ever decided to leave, but lets get back down to reality.  That once a month, will turn into once a year.  Because, well, that's how things end up, right?  Why see them once a year, when I can see them every week.  I can stop by Patricia's house for a visit and also enjoy her beautiful yard.  Or have surprise visits from my brother and my niece and nephew.  

I can endure the heat, while visions of fall dance around in my head.  I dream of the time of year when the phoenix scenery doesn't look so dry and down beaten.  

I can't wait for summer to be over.  I will just take it day by day, with the occasional-i-need-to-get-out-of-the-house-or-ill-lose-my-mind outings. 

Here we go.

Deep breath (of hot air).  

And exhale (said breath of hot air).

And again.

swimming

We registered Jonas in swimming lessons three weeks ago. He's been trying really hard to get it.  At first, he struggled to go long distances, but every day with practice, he gets a little better.  He gets motivated when he sees a  buddy there.  He practices his skills after class.  I like to watch him but have to look away when I see him struggle a little.  In my head I think, "you can do it, Jonas."  His little friend, Abby, from school, is in his class and she yells it out for me.  She is on team Jonas, too. 

Angus started his classes this week.  I thought we were in trouble with this little guy when he didn't want to cooperate with the teacher.  He didn't want to sing a song the teacher has them sing.  He didn't want to hold hands when playing a game.  And he didn't want to blow bubbles in the water.  He yells out, "I love you, mom!"  He blew me a kiss yesterday.  I kept telling him to pay attention.  He did the next day.  He thinks he is too cool for little kid stuff.  You are only four, Angus!

We swim afterward.  All four of us in the pool.  I keep an eye on my little's, especially Paloma, because she is the youngest and shortest.  The boys play.  Being in the pool with Paloma is pure joy.  Her face lights up.  "I'm skwimming!"  She goes under water.  She plays and walks around, climbs out, jumps in.  She is a pro in the pool.  She asks me where her teacher is and I tell her I am her teacher.  She is content with that.  

I used to be afraid of taking all three, on my own, but it's not bad.  Jonas and Angus are good in the water.  We just hang out in the kid pool and we are happy.  Soon, these guys will be "skwimming" away.

to my dad on father's day

When I was growing up my dad worked a lot. At times, he worked two jobs.  We would see him for short snippets of the day.  Most of the jobs he worked as a cook.  He has spent the majority of his time in the heated throes of a kitchen.  He has always provided for his family, without skipping a beat, or complaining or wanting anything in return.  It is who he is, even to this day.

When he'd get home from work, he would be wearing his work shirt with his name tag on and if my brother and I were up, he'd do a goofy dance for us, as he whistled a little tune.  It always made us giggle to see our dad doing such a silly thing.  A dance that Angus, Jonas and Paloma have witnessed.  Giggles still follow and "grandpa's silly" and "again" come out of their mouths.

My dad has always been a hard worker.  He has never sat around and waited for things to come to him.  He has treaded forward on his own.  He has worked hard for all that he has -- earned every bit of it.  His journey, or I should say journeys, because there were more than just one, from a small town in chihuahua to the city life here in the states were rough. There also were a lot of good things that he got to experience and many good people he met along the way.   He came here to help his family.  His plan was to make money to send back home. He did that. 

To this day, he still talks about how hard it was to leave his mother behind. How much he missed her every time he left, knowing that she was getting older as time passed on.  But they were his motivation to travel far and work and off he went each time. 

At home, Although he worked so much, his presence was always felt. There were times that he would walk me to school and we would have breakfast together.  I don't think it was very often, but I remember it. Him being there and making that effort.  On his days off, he'd take us out to the mall, to eat pizza, or see a movie.  

During one of my young and naive phases as a teenager I told him that after I graduated high school I was going to be done with school. No college for me because 12 years were enough.   He looked at me and said, "ok, if that is what you want." Yes, I thought, that is what I want.  I think he knew I was smarter than that, so he let me have my way at that moment.  He didn't pressure me, he let me figure it out on my own, because he knew me and he knew I wasn't going to stop there.  

After I graduated, I was already signed up at our local community college.  I rode the bus most every day, except on the mornings that he offered to give me rides to school, tired from little sleep from working late.  I didn't make him get up, but it was something he wanted to do, because otherwise we'd never see each other. 

His health started deteriorating around that time.  He wanted to sleep the days away.  He was thin, eyes sunken, face pale. We went to the doctor and found out he had hyperthyroid and he was wasting away.  Around that time, he also had applied at the casino and had been hired.  

After all the treatments and doctors visits, he was looking and feeling better, but it took a while to get back to feeling like himself, again.

He still has his thyroid issues, but not like those days, thank God!

To this day, my dad continues to be a strong presence in my life and my children's lives.  I know it's the same for my brother.  

He is always there.  And he lets us know every chance he gets.

My dad and I can sit and talk for hours.  It's as if we have so much to communicate to each other.  Maybe we are catching up on lost time from all those years of him working.  He can show up and we can start a conversation and it can be hard to end it. We have to stop ourselves, because there are other things to be doing, of course.  

I love my dad for being a great father to my brother and I.  For being kind, gentle and always understanding. For never losing his cool. For his short, but sweet, visits to our house.  For being the best grandfather to my children, for they are very lucky to have him. For always talking with me. For his awesome and tasty cooking.  For the lessons he has taught me. For his sense of humor, even though sometimes some people don't get it, but I do!  For his love for his family, near and far.  But most especially for always being there for me.

I love you dad!

my loves

Colds and crazy days  lead to me not paying attention to the sweet moments.  I watch them and listen to them I just get caught up in the moment and don't really focus on them, but they are on my mind.  Her are some:

jonas

He helped Paloma at the y when I dropped them off.  He talks to her and tells her I  am going to be right back.  He plays withe her so that she does not cry for me.  When I walked in to sign them out, I saw lomy and Jonas walking to the board games.  He didn't leave her for a minute.  What a great big brother.  

//

If he sees me look worried or sad he gives me a hug and tells me he loves me.  "I feel bad for you mom," if he knows something didn't go as I wanted or am disappointed about something. 

//

He woke up this morning and made spaghetti because he was craving it.  

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He found some invitations I had, filled them out and delivered to our neighbors.  He set up a table cloth and asked me to put the pool out front.  I sliced up a watermelon and cut up quesadillas.  He filled out goody bags for his buddies, but only one showed up.  We were expecting more.  It was still a fun party!

angus

In the car, when I was giving them my "they have to listen to mommy" spiel, angus said, "I'm going to listen to you mommy and give you hugs and kisses when we get to our house."  And he did, my little sweetheart.

//

When I got home from the shop last night, the kids had a movie on with auntie maria and angus had fallen asleep on our chair.  As I picked up a sleeping Angy, he kissed my arm. Always a lover, that boy.

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When he jumps into our little blue plastic pool, he always does a belly flop and I always cringe, thinking it hurt him.  His legs are too short to lift and jump in like big brother.

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He is my lazy child who doesn't like to pick anything up because he is either too tired or he says, "but I'm just a boy." Even if he is standing right in front of the object I asked him to pick up.

paloma

She wanted me to play with her all morning.  She always wants to go into her room.  She knows that all of the things in there are hers.  She likes it even though it is not as fixed up as it should be for a sweet little girl.  We lay on the bed and she picks out a book and has me read to her. Over and over.  

//

She holds her babies and shushes them to sleep, just like i and grandma Stella do with her.  

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If she hears music playing, her little hips start swaying. 

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She has been going potty pretty consistently at home.  We run to the bathroom and then I wait while she goes and she smiles so big.  I try not to make a big deal because she frowns upon that.  

//

She says: skwing for swing, and skwimming for swimming.

looking up

The days are beginning to get brighter for me. I was feeling down for a while, not realizing why or what was causing me to feel this way, but I have tried to be positive. I have tried to wake up with a happy heart and to ask god for help. Every day gets better. Even though there can be something or someone that brings me down, I try not to let it get to me. When I wake up the next day, I just try to do better, be better and I begin to feel better.

Today was a such a nice day, and it turned into a lovely evening.

We had Patricia and Tom over for dinner. Last week, Patricia finished up her last round of chemo. I could not imagine how hard that was to go through, but if anyone could do it, and smile a few days after, it would most definitely be her. She is a tough woman, one who always looks on the positive side, instead of dwelling on the negative. I feel like tonight, everything went so smoothly and it was in honor of Patricia. We unintentionally celebrated her awesomeness and strength. And we continue to cheer her on until all of "this" is over and done with. Here's to more strength, cause a little extra never hurt any one.

Tonight, the meal was delicious, the children were behaving so good, the music was perfect and the weather was just right. We ate dinner outside, while observing the kids and listening to what they said, we watched the chickens and tossed them food from across the table (wink), laughed about Sammy's inappropriate antics, talked about some of the most recent news stories and Patricia and I danced to a song with the kiddos. Jonas danced with me! That is a big thing around here. The boy thinks he is too cool to dance and he liked it!

I know that amid the tough times, there is happiness. The sweet surprises that make the hard times bearable. There is lots of joy to be had, it's just that sometimes some of us forget about it, until it smacks us in the face and you feel your face lifting, your heart lighten and you are happy and smiling...again.

If more days are like today, then I think we are off to a great summer, hopefully a great rest of the year.

feeling blah

I haven't been feeling so cheery lately. Don't know why, but I am trying to change it. Day by day. It may be that I need more sleep, exercise, something. Eat better, maybe?

I feel like the kids have been extra difficult. Paloma with her bossy, grunty self. Angus with his obsession with anything technology related. Jonas with his wild ideas and bossiness, as well. Ugh. I just feel drained. I try to do fun stuff with them. I try to give them ideas of things they used to do to have fun. They do the things i tell them about but then its back to the same stuff and the same whining. I feel like I've been mad at them for everything, but I get mad at them because they haven't been listening.

But, oh, how I love them so, those three. Because amid the chaos and craziness, I try to stop and pay attention to the little things that bring joy. I take photos of their silliness, cuteness, awesomeness. They are beautiful. And, oh, so troublesome.

My parents were with us over the weekend and I am so happy they were here. I just don't know what I would do without them. I love them so. My brother and I are lucky to have them in our lives, especially during this time of raising young children. It's tough work, if you didn't know, already.

I am hoping this funk I'm in goes away, soon, because I know the light is there. Looking at these photos I see the beauty, but when I am caught in the everyday doings, cleanings, messes, and non-listenings, I tend to forget that it is there.

It is there.

last game

"What is your favorite thing to do when you're playing?" I asked him.

"I like sitting in the dugout," he answered.

"Why do you like the dugout?"

"Because I get to talk to my friends."

Of course. He's my little social butterfly. He loves talking and joking and being silly and wild and making friends.

~~~

From March to May, Miah and Jonas practiced and played. Tonight, was the last game. The team won.

Jonas made many good friends. He learned about being on a team, how to cheer on his fellow teammates, how to high five them after a good play, or offer words of encouragement when there were no plays.

I know that he didn't fall in love with the game, but he liked it. He played. He got better than he was when he first started. He paid attention in the end. He ran for the ball. He caught the ball. He learned all the places and who does what, when, where and how. He stayed in it until the end, even though some days, he didn't feel like going. But he wanted that trophy at the end of the game. He knew he had to work for it. And he did.

Good job, Jonas!

weekend doings

Last week I asked Miah when we were going to start our garden. What did he say? He didn't say anything, he delivered! He is awesome like that. He made two gardens for us. One will have corn. The other will have squash, watermelons and cantaloupe. Praying the seeds I planted will sprout. I feel like because I did it, they may not. A green thumb, I have not.

The kids have been excited about gardening. They want to help. They want to move dirt around, they want to spray water, they want to drop little seeds in tiny holes. We let them help as much as they can do, but its hard because, well, hills get stepped on some of the time and some seeds make it on the sides of the holes other times and water and dirt turn to mud and well, wait, no stop, don't step there and oy.

Jonas said, "Mom, it's gonna be cool when you ask me to pick food from the garden for dinner." It will be very cool and I can't wait.

But I can, wait.

We are all excited about planting and waiting and growing our own food. Crossing fingers all works out.

~~~

The weather has been perfect at certain times of the day. We were in the backyard on Saturday morning. Jonas, Angus and Paloma were playing happily. We were letting Miah sleep because he's been working long hours. The kids were getting along and laughing together, just enjoying each others company.

Perfect moments like these make the tough ones disappear. The ones where Angus teases Paloma, making her mad and she starts to cry or when Jonas is only thinking about playing the wii or when there are spills and clutter all over the house. Those are erased from my mind when my children are happy and content. They don't matter. My children matter. Their joy matters.

We had a perfect morning until it wasn't, because nothing is perfect all of the time. It wouldn't be real life if it was. But it was just how it was supposed to be. It was nice.