feeling blah

I haven't been feeling so cheery lately. Don't know why, but I am trying to change it. Day by day. It may be that I need more sleep, exercise, something. Eat better, maybe?

I feel like the kids have been extra difficult. Paloma with her bossy, grunty self. Angus with his obsession with anything technology related. Jonas with his wild ideas and bossiness, as well. Ugh. I just feel drained. I try to do fun stuff with them. I try to give them ideas of things they used to do to have fun. They do it then its back to the same stuff and the same whining. I feel like I've been mad at them for everything, but I get mad at because they haven't been listening.

But, oh, how I love them so, those three. Because amid the chaos and craziness, I try to stop and pay attention to the little things that bring joy. I take photos of their silliness, cuteness, awesomeness. They are beautiful. And, oh, so troublesome.

My parents hung out over the weekend and I am so happy they were here. I just don't know what I would do without them.

Hoping this funk I'm in goes away, soon, because I know the light is there. Looking at these photos I see the beauty, but when I am caught in the every day doings, cleanings, messes, and non listenings, I tend to forget that it is there. It is there.

last game

"What is your favorite thing to do when you're playing?" I asked him.

"I like sitting in the dugout," he answered.

"Why do you like the dugout?"

"Because I get to talk to my friends."

Of course. He's my little social butterfly. He loves talking and joking and being silly and wild and making friends.

~~~

From March to May, Miah and Jonas practiced and played. Tonight, was the last game. The team won.

Jonas made many good friends. He learned about being on a team, how to cheer on his fellow teammates, how to high five them after a good play, or offer words of encouragement when there were no plays.

I know that he didn't fall in love with the game, but he liked it. He played. He got better than he was when he first started. He paid attention in the end. He ran for the ball. He caught the ball. He learned all the places and who does what, when, where and how. He stayed in it until the end, even though some days, he didn't feel like going. But he wanted that trophy at the end of the game. He knew he had to work for it. And he did.

Good job, Jonas!

weekend doings

Last week I asked Miah when we were going to start our garden. What did he say? He didn't say anything, he delivered! He is awesome like that. He made two gardens for us. One will have corn. The other will have squash, watermelons and cantaloupe. Praying the seeds I planted will sprout. I feel like because I did it, they may not. A green thumb, I have not.

The kids have been excited about gardening. They want to help. They want to move dirt around, they want to spray water, they want to drop little seeds in tiny holes. We let them help as much as they can do, but its hard because, well, hills get stepped on some of the time and some seeds make it on the sides of the holes other times and water and dirt turn to mud and well, wait, no stop, don't step there and oy.

Jonas said, "Mom, it's gonna be cool when you ask me to pick food from the garden for dinner." It will be very cool and I can't wait.

But I can, wait.

We are all excited about planting and waiting and growing our own food. Crossing fingers all works out.

~~~

The weather has been perfect at certain times of the day. We were in the backyard on Saturday morning. Jonas, Angus and Paloma were playing happily. We were letting Miah sleep because he's been working long hours. The kids were getting along and laughing together, just enjoying each others company.

Perfect moments like these make the tough ones disappear. The ones where Angus teases Paloma, making her mad and she starts to cry or when Jonas is only thinking about playing the wii or when there are spills and clutter all over the house. Those are erased from my mind when my children are happy and content. They don't matter. My children matter. Their joy matters.

We had a perfect morning until it wasn't, because nothing is perfect all of the time. It wouldn't be real life if it was. But it was just how it was supposed to be. It was nice.

blessed

I have been blessed with three beautiful children.
They are my everything.
Without them I don't know what I would do.
They try to cheer me up when I am down.
They tell me they love me when they don't see a sparkle in my eyes.
They are my guiding lights in an oftentimes dim world.
They make me laugh.
They stop and straighten up when they realize I am serious and I've had enough.
They don't judge me.
They don't criticize me.
They love me unconditionally.
To them I am mom and they don't need more, just me.
"Is mommy pretty or ugly?" I've asked them when I'm make up free and need sleep.
"Pretty!!" they say.
To them I am not chubby.
Once, I asked Jonas if he thought I was a nice person.
He said, without looking up from what he was doing, "You're perfect, mom."
To them, I am perfect, although "mean" at times, but they love me nonetheless.
No better way to describe love.

lyrical poetry - wanderin by justin townes earle

Well, I'm just a lonely traveler and I don't know where I'm bound.
Though, that if I keep on moving then I know that I'll be found.
I'll climb high atop a mountain, call for he who holds the crown,
But until that day, keep on wanderin'

Well now, when the soul wanders there are things a man must see.
There are trials he must know and there are troubles he must meet.
He must stare in the eyes of evil and know that he is free.
'Til the good lord calls, keep on wanderin'

Now, my father was a traveler and my mama stayed at home.
And she cried the day that he walked out and left us on our alone.
But, now I'm older than he was when I was born and I don't know,
Which way is home so I'm wanderin'

Yes, oh lord, I've seen your oceans, I've seen your mountains high.
I've been lost inside your cities, I've seen the underside.
Yeah, I know the troubles that plague a troubled mind,
But they can't catch me I'm a wanderin'

No they can't catch me I'm a wanderin'
No they can't catch me I'm a wanderin'

perfect scribbler

Paloma is really good at holding pencils, pens and markers. She can make tiny scribbles or big ones. She can handle her writing utensils really well. That's my girl!

month 48 - four years old

Dear Angus,

You turned four, four days ago. You are getting so big so fast. On your birthday, I was thinking about the day you were born. I can remember every moment and every emotion I was feeling. I was so happy when you arrived and made us a family of four, even though things got a little harder for me. One mom, two boys, equals lots of work.

You have always been my little sweetie. When they handed you to me and we looked at you-me, daddy and grandma Patricia, the first words that came out when we looked at you were how sweet you were. Sweet. You are my little sweetheart inside, with a tough exterior. You are the one that will wrap your arms around my neck, look in my eyes, tell me, "i love you" and plant a kiss on me. And you hold on tight. Weak is a word that does not describe you. You are strong.

When you get upset about something it shows. But you let go of angry feelings and soon after you are back to your loving self. You love Jonas so much. The way you look at him says it all. You laugh at his poop jokes and even when he acts like a bossy older brother, you are there to follow him and listen to his (mostly crazy) ideas. You love paloma but she is obviously not your favorite sibling at the moment, but you two get along fine, when you are not fighting for the same toy, candy, drink, food, movie, etc...

It was neat to see you pick out what you like for your birthday. Other years you weren't so involved in the choices, not because I didn't want you to be, but because you just weren't interested. Now, it's a different story. You know what you like. Your birthday party proved it with its Power Ranger-Monster Jam-Spider-Man theme. Only thing missing was anything Wipeout. But, that was all you, little man.

When you opened your presents, you were so excited with every gift, minus the clothing. You thanked everyone. You did a monster truck jam, smash and crash on top of your cake. Mushed whipped cream for all to eat. I told you to make a wish when we let our balloons go. "I wish for...winter wipeout," you said, and let your green balloon go. An Angy wish for sure!

Every day, at home, I watch you play with your toys and listen as your imagination unfolds. I watch as you sneakily take my phone to play games. Peanut butter sandwiches, bowls of cereal, and ice cream are regular requests around here made by you. You prefer water to juice or milk, almost always. The questions you ask me in the car, when we are listening to the radio, watching t.v., reading a book, let me know how smart and aware you are, how much you are growing and learning. I stop and think back to when you were two and you needed me more, but you are just where you need to be at four.

I love you.

Mom

our week

A lot was accomplished last week, or so it seemed. Must be the change in the season that has me feeling like I am just going and going. Early to rise in the morning, going non-stop all day, and bedtime can't come sooner. By the time we are all in bed, and my body relaxes, I fall asleep, easily. The good, I've been up all day, beat, tired, kind of sleep.

We are all enjoying spring. Oh, my favorite season. I love it so. We could spend our days outside every day. If only Arizona summers weren't so hot and in a hurry to get here, because we know our perfect weather will end soon. The heat will creep in and then it will soon be unbearable, but for now, we are loving our springtime.

Jonas is going to be in his first ever little league game tomorrow. He's been practicing with Miah. He has gone from not knowing much about the sport to understanding the game. He is working on hitting the ball and adding a little more power to his hit, catching, and hustling to get the ball. He and Miah are having a good time working together. So much so that every practice he wants it to be he and Miah only. Angus, Paloma and I tag along sometimes to play in the playground.

Paloma has been so difficult for about two weeks straight. She has been fussy. She's refusing to potty train, she constantly wants me to hold her and she asks in the whiniest voice "mama hoooollld", if something is not exactly as she wants, she breaks down. Oh, I hope this stage passes quickly because it is so, so tiring.

Angus and I play hours of monster jam, robot rumble, spiderman vs. bumble bee, etc, etc, etc, a week. He is my action figure, monster truck player. I love to watch his imagination at work. Most of the time the characters play nice. Holding a monster truck in his hand, he bumps against the one I'm holding and says, "hey, can I talk to you." That's how the adventures begin. We build Lego robots, that we eventually destroy. Fun stuff, but its hard to tell him I have to wash dishes or do laundry. He'd have me playing all day if it were up to him.

Our sunflower seeds are in the ground. Can't wait to see them sunflowers standing tall. Veggies will be planted this week. Our chickens have become consistent little egg layers. Soon, we will not need to buy any from the store. We are turning all organic, home grown over here or at least trying to be.

We are working on and through a lot of things over here.

completely demonstrates

We were scheduled to be at parent/teacher conference at four in the afternoon. I called my dad to see if he could help for an hour with the kids while Jeremiah and I talked to Mrs. R. He couldn't, but luckily Jerry showed up to help.

The kids happily played in the playground while we waited for our turn to enter the classroom. Jonas was talking to one of his friends, while Angus stood next to him. They were holding hands. Brothers stick together. Paloma climbed up the playground and slid down the slide. Again and again. Jerry showed up, took over the watch and we walked into the classroom.

Mrs. R started talking about Jonas' latest test scores. We were so impressed. He is above grade level in reading and above where he used to be in math, which is excellent. When he reads he shows expression, which can be hard for a first grader. He does great on his spelling tests. All the nightly readings have payed off, big time. He even reminds the teacher if they forget to work on a subject she had mentioned earlier. Not in a rude way, either, she made sure to tell us that. He is very polite, she said. He does worry when there is a change in routine, but he has gotten better about it.

This little boy is very different from Miah and I. I know Miah struggled a little when he was in elementary school. I was so shy and quiet that it stopped me from doing a lot in school. I never drew attention to myself, never raised my hand to answer questions. He raises his hand, he answers questions, he speaks up. Don't know why I was so painfully shy, but I am so grateful he is not. I hope my Angus and Paloma are free from it, too.

He is one of the best students, she said. At home, he can be troublesome and sometimes defiant, but he knows how far he can go with us. How many buttons he can push before mom and dad have had enough. Mrs. R said he tells the class to be quiet when she is talking. He helps his classmates. He is a good friend. He is a great student.

After I heard all she had to say about him, I almost got teary eyed right there in front of the teacher, but held it in. I was proud of him, of us. This job of raising these little beings is hard. No one ever tells you how hard it is going to be. You try to figure it out as you go along, each day, because you don't know what they will do next, how you will react in every situation that gets thrown at you, how they will act, what their personality will be like. Each child is different.

I go through this parenting journey trying to do the best I can, hoping my children grow up to be great people. People that will walk this earth with confidence, with respect for themselves and for others. Kind, compassionate, loving, strong, smart people and whatever else they bring from their own uniqueness. The list goes on.

I know it is only first grade, and that I still have many more years to go, many more conferences to attend, from not one child, but three of my loves. So far, I feel good on this journey. This moment, in this journey, I feel great.
~
This morning, the kids and I had breakfast at school. It was Jonas' first time eating in the cafeteria for breakfast. He had heard that they give prizes for eating there. Turns out they give prizes if your tray had a marking under it. We looked under our trays. There were no markings on ours. He was upset about it. He wanted to get a prize, so he pouted the entire time we were there.

I told him he should be happy that we were trying something new. Angus and Paloma loved being in school. They were having a fun time. The bell rang and we had to go. Before he walked into class, he asked me if we could eat there again tomorrow. I said we could.

In the afternoon, when he got into the car after school, the first words that came out of his mouth were, "I feel so bad for you mom."

He handed me a note that he had written explaining how bad he felt for his behavior at breakfast.
He cried at school that morning he said, because he kept thinking of me at breakfast and how I was trying to make the best of it. I told him I wasn't upset about that morning. I thanked him for my note and told him how much I appreciated his apology. I told him he didn't have to be sad for me.
~
My heart swells, almost ready to burst at moments like these. Moments where my children amaze me. Where all I can think is that I am so proud to be their mother.