catch up

Every day I tell myself I am going to write down something, anything about what is happening in our lives.  The stories that unravel on some days or the humdrum routines of other days, but I can't.  I feel as though I have forgotten how to write.  How to begin a story.  Before, I would think of something that happened during the day and I couldn't wait to get it down.  Now, I make myself sit and I can't think of where to begin.  I used to take a lot of photos, too.  These days I have to remind myself to do it.  

What is going on with me?  I can't even explain it.  Only thing I know is that it has something to do with the way the months are zooming by.  What is up with that?  End of the year already.  Something strange is happening.  I can't explain that, either. 

 I'll try my best to write.

//

My Paloma will be three in January.  I don't want her to be three in January.  I want her to be the chubby baby I keep looking back at in photos.  I want to hold my baby in my arms at this moment.  

She is so smart and so talkative.  She is a girl who can stick up for herself.  Never afraid to lose her cool.  She'll get mad at her big brothers and they better watch out for her.  She is tough. 

And yet, she is also my sweet princess, who tells me I am so beautiful and asks me when can she "wear make ups".  I touch her little feet just before she is about to fall asleep.  Feet that still fit in my hand.  I hold them.  I feel her little toes.  I grab her hands and feel each little soft finger.  They are so small compared to mine and they do so much at two years old.  

//

The other night, I was laying with her on her toddler bed.  My body, barely fitting, while she lay comfortably with her head on her pillow.   While her eyes were beginning to close, I started fixing the blankets because they had shifted.  

She woke up, suddenly and drowsily said, "You a good mom.  I love you."  Before that I think I was getting mad at her because she kept resisting sleep. But when she felt me adjusting the blankets, she knew I was trying to make her as comfortable and warm as she could be in her little bed.  She knows.  

She completed my day.  

Nothing could change how I felt after that and I don't want to forget.

happy birthday!

8 years

Dear Jonas,

Eight years ago, I gave birth to a little boy that changed my life, completely.  I became a mother and my heart became yours.  Today, I am a proud mother of a boy who is eight.  Wow.  Hard to believe.

You are my mover and shaker.  You get ideas in your head and they soon become actions.  You start creating, doing, always going, going, going.  I don't know where this energy comes from, but all I can say is you truly live life as full as you can for a now-eight-year old.  Not that your brother and sister don't do, create, etc, but you just move on another level.  

You wake up all on your own and get yourself ready for school.  I don't have to push you to do it, well, maybe remind you about brushing your teeth, but most days you do it on your own.  

Who does that?  I sure didn't at eight-years-old. It took  me a few years to get it together.  Wait I'm still working on getting IT together.  

You are doing excellent at school.  You have a lot of friends.  

You come home and put on lemonade stands, draw artsy pictures, read like there is no tomorrow, ride your bike, cook meals for us, ask a lot of questions or ask for definitions of words, which keeps me on my toes.  I'm pretty good at defining words, thanks to you. You are very social.  You love having friends over.  

 

You are thoughtful, sensitive, stubborn, funny, smart, creative.  

You love Angy and Lomy so much. You take care of them and boss them around, too.  Big brother duties, I suppose.  

********

Today, after school you were juicing oranges.  Lilly came over and asked what you were doing.  

"I'm making orange juice for my special breakfast my mom is making me tomorrow."  This is so YOU, my little man, so you!  You juice your own oranges for fresh o.j. for your birthday.  

You made cookies the other day and skipped three ingredients.  I told you they may not come out right.  I was wrong.  Those cookies were delicious.  Who needs baking soda, vanilla extract and granulated sugar? Not you.  

We were headed to a BBQ, where there was going to be a ton of food, but you insisted on making burgers. We had to take something, we just couldn't go empty handed, according to you  So, I walked into the kitchen and saw five perfectly made mini cheeseburgers with lettuce and tomato, bread cut into a circle to fit the patties, just right. 

Only you, son!

********

I remember telling you when you were about three, "Don't go growing up too fast."  

"I won't, mom," you said.  But you did.  And that's ok.  

I miss my little, three, four, five, six and seven-year-old Jonas so much.  But, I'm happy I have my eight-year-old little man because I get to see all the new things happening in your life.  I look forward to more ideas and projects that will definitely pop into your head.  

Love, 

Mom

the night before Halloween

It is the night before Halloween. The kids are sleeping.  They are excited about tomorrow.  Some costumes are ready, some we need to work on, but we'll be ready tomorrow. This month flew by, just like the one before, but this one flew especially fast.  

What is going on with time?  Never did I think that 2013 would go by this fast.  November and December will be here and then bam, happy new year!  

The children keep growing and it's good and sad at the same time.  I love their little selves, yet they can be so wild and crazy.  I stop and think, one day they will be grown up and the fits and tantrums will be forgotten, in my mind and theirs.  But the sweet, cute moments definitely outweigh the hard times. 

Tomorrow they will have a busy day with class parties, tons of candy  and a late night.   I better sleep too.

change in the weather

We are outside.  Outside is a wonderful thing, because about two weeks ago, we did not want to be outside.  We would melt and become gooey globs of yuck.  But now, the weather is starting to be just right.  

It seems like it changed from one day to the next.  All is good in phoenix.  We all look at it in a new light. It is bearable.

shop days

We set up a little family area at the shop for the children.  I have been helping Miah at work more and so we needed the kids to have a little spot where they can play.  

Paloma is the one who is there the most, then it's she and angus, and sometimes Jonas joins them.  They have a t.v., Legos, play-doh, markers and books.  

They are all so good and so crazy. They play and watch and talk to us when working on their Legos or play-doh.  Paloma wanders out of her little area and checks up on what her daddy is doing.  She talks to me while I struggle with a cardboard box or while sending an email.

Angus gets in there and sometimes, his shirt comes off, because I figure, he feels at home. 

They wrestle on their cushion.  They watch The Lion King over and over.  They play quietly.  They play loudly.  They say they have to go potty and then change their mind halfway to the bathroom. 

Jonas wants to always work on something, make something, "what can I do?" he asks.  

They are setting the background noise while we work.  They are learning to entertain themselves when mommy and daddy are a bit busy.  Just a little, because we hear those little voices for the few hours we are there constantly.

Jonas for president

Jonas drew this picture up a couple of weeks ago.  He had watched the news with Miah and said they were talking about war. 

He was quiet.  He didn't say a word.  He just started drawing.  He finished and showed us what he wrote:  I LIKE PEACE!

Me too, Jonas.  Me too!

rain is good for little souls

It rained last weekend.  We were all so happy about those drops falling from the sky.  The kids had their friends over and everyone was running around like crazy.  Miah made them run around the yard ten times.

They showered under the gutter drain

They posed, showing off big cheesy smiles

They wiggled and jumped and stretched out their arms to show how much they love rain.

Paloma awoke to find it raining again.  She put her sweater on, grabbed her little grey boots and stepped outside.  She was so adorable, my little Lomie, with her pant-less self.  

angus starts preschool

My little Angy started preschool for three days a week.  His first day was good, but the other days not so.  He says he wants me to be there with him.  I want to be there with him, too.  He is so cute and so little and I just want him with me all the time.  But, I know it will be good for him to learn how to be in a school setting.  

For show and tell, I asked him what he wanted to take to show the class.  

"I want to take your head, because I want you to be with me," he said.

I drop him off and tell him I will be back at 12.  His face begins to look sad and tells me he doesn't want to stay, but he stays.  He listens.  He knows he has to be in school, I think, because he's watched his big brother go to school day after day.  

But I can see his face and it breaks my heart.  No one ever told me how HARD being a parent was going to be.  It has gotten easier in some areas, but harder in others.  

He looks so little and sweet and he should be with his mama every second of every day! Just my opinion.

I know he'll be okay. He's going to love it, I hope.  I just hope I'll be okay, soon.  

summer=hot

The hot, horrible days of July are upon us.  We are stuck indoors until the sun reaches the west and then we come out to play.  I'm lying a little.  We do step out during the hottest hours of the day every once in a while because I absolutely go crazy if I have to sit at home every day.  

We swim, we drive to the shop and back, we go to the y,  make stops at stores, but even that gets tiresome, because we are left melted from the heat and the kids get upset for having to leave the air conditioned sanctuary they call home.  

I am so accustomed to this weather, and then I'm so not.  Does that makes sense?  But I won't speak it aloud because then Jeremiah is quick to talk about moving and then our bags are packed and I'm stuck saying, "now, wait, I didn't mean that."  He is so ready to leave.  He can visit any state and say, "lets move here."  I love traveling, but when we talk of moving, it's just so hard to see it happening.  

Family keeps me here.  It's just too hard to leave my kin behind.  I know that we can plan visits if we move.  We've talked about it.  We've figured that my parents can visit once a month, if we ever decided to leave, but lets get back down to reality.  That once a month, will turn into once a year.  Because, well, that's how things end up, right?  Why see them once a year, when I can see them every week.  I can stop by Patricia's house for a visit and also enjoy her beautiful yard.  Or have surprise visits from my brother and my niece and nephew.  

I can endure the heat, while visions of fall dance around in my head.  I dream of the time of year when the phoenix scenery doesn't look so dry and down beaten.  

I can't wait for summer to be over.  I will just take it day by day, with the occasional-i-need-to-get-out-of-the-house-or-ill-lose-my-mind outings. 

Here we go.

Deep breath (of hot air).  

And exhale (said breath of hot air).

And again.

swimming

We registered Jonas in swimming lessons three weeks ago. He's been trying really hard to get it.  At first, he struggled to go long distances, but every day with practice, he gets a little better.  He gets motivated when he sees a  buddy there.  He practices his skills after class.  I like to watch him but have to look away when I see him struggle a little.  In my head I think, "you can do it, Jonas."  His little friend, Abby, from school, is in his class and she yells it out for me.  She is on team Jonas, too. 

Angus started his classes this week.  I thought we were in trouble with this little guy when he didn't want to cooperate with the teacher.  He didn't want to sing a song the teacher has them sing.  He didn't want to hold hands when playing a game.  And he didn't want to blow bubbles in the water.  He yells out, "I love you, mom!"  He blew me a kiss yesterday.  I kept telling him to pay attention.  He did the next day.  He thinks he is too cool for little kid stuff.  You are only four, Angus!

We swim afterward.  All four of us in the pool.  I keep an eye on my little's, especially Paloma, because she is the youngest and shortest.  The boys play.  Being in the pool with Paloma is pure joy.  Her face lights up.  "I'm skwimming!"  She goes under water.  She plays and walks around, climbs out, jumps in.  She is a pro in the pool.  She asks me where her teacher is and I tell her I am her teacher.  She is content with that.  

I used to be afraid of taking all three, on my own, but it's not bad.  Jonas and Angus are good in the water.  We just hang out in the kid pool and we are happy.  Soon, these guys will be "skwimming" away.

to my dad on father's day

When I was growing up my dad worked a lot. At times, he worked two jobs.  We would see him for short snippets of the day.  Most of the jobs he worked as a cook.  He has spent the majority of his time in the heated throes of a kitchen.  He has always provided for his family, without skipping a beat, or complaining or wanting anything in return.  It is who he is, even to this day.

When he'd get home from work, he would be wearing his work shirt with his name tag on and if my brother and I were up, he'd do a goofy dance for us, as he whistled a little tune.  It always made us giggle to see our dad doing such a silly thing.  A dance that Angus, Jonas and Paloma have witnessed.  Giggles still follow and "grandpa's silly" and "again" come out of their mouths.

My dad has always been a hard worker.  He has never sat around and waited for things to come to him.  He has treaded forward on his own.  He has worked hard for all that he has -- earned every bit of it.  His journey, or I should say journeys, because there were more than just one, from a small town in chihuahua to the city life here in the states were rough. There also were a lot of good things that he got to experience and many good people he met along the way.   He came here to help his family.  His plan was to make money to send back home. He did that. 

To this day, he still talks about how hard it was to leave his mother behind. How much he missed her every time he left, knowing that she was getting older as time passed on.  But they were his motivation to travel far and work and off he went each time. 

At home, Although he worked so much, his presence was always felt. There were times that he would walk me to school and we would have breakfast together.  I don't think it was very often, but I remember it. Him being there and making that effort.  On his days off, he'd take us out to the mall, to eat pizza, or see a movie.  

During one of my young and naive phases as a teenager I told him that after I graduated high school I was going to be done with school. No college for me because 12 years were enough.   He looked at me and said, "ok, if that is what you want." Yes, I thought, that is what I want.  I think he knew I was smarter than that, so he let me have my way at that moment.  He didn't pressure me, he let me figure it out on my own, because he knew me and he knew I wasn't going to stop there.  

After I graduated, I was already signed up at our local community college.  I rode the bus most every day, except on the mornings that he offered to give me rides to school, tired from little sleep from working late.  I didn't make him get up, but it was something he wanted to do, because otherwise we'd never see each other. 

His health started deteriorating around that time.  He wanted to sleep the days away.  He was thin, eyes sunken, face pale. We went to the doctor and found out he had hyperthyroid and he was wasting away.  Around that time, he also had applied at the casino and had been hired.  

After all the treatments and doctors visits, he was looking and feeling better, but it took a while to get back to feeling like himself, again.

He still has his thyroid issues, but not like those days, thank God!

To this day, my dad continues to be a strong presence in my life and my children's lives.  I know it's the same for my brother.  

He is always there.  And he lets us know every chance he gets.

My dad and I can sit and talk for hours.  It's as if we have so much to communicate to each other.  Maybe we are catching up on lost time from all those years of him working.  He can show up and we can start a conversation and it can be hard to end it. We have to stop ourselves, because there are other things to be doing, of course.  

I love my dad for being a great father to my brother and I.  For being kind, gentle and always understanding. For never losing his cool. For his short, but sweet, visits to our house.  For being the best grandfather to my children, for they are very lucky to have him. For always talking with me. For his awesome and tasty cooking.  For the lessons he has taught me. For his sense of humor, even though sometimes some people don't get it, but I do!  For his love for his family, near and far.  But most especially for always being there for me.

I love you dad!